Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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