He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
