Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
