I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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