Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
