Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
