Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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