she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
