sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
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