I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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