I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
