This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
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