i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
