Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
