His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
