i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
