just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize