the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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