he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
All the doctor said was why
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
