apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
