i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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