You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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