it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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