I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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