I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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