and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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