Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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