either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
