I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
as a side note pls kill me
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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