even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
