I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Hippo gnu deer
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
