I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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