im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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