His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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