if i can run in heels then i can drive
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
