I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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