hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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