Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
