now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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