Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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