when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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