it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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