I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
