do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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