she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
