Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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