why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Randomize
