I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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