its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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