You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
