How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
