i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
