nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
