I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
